Oct 30, 2002

each days presents itself with greater and greater challenges. today a friend of mine from tf passed away due to her ed. it has hit me hard. i cried for a bit but now i am just severally emotionally numb. i want to scream at the loss of life. and than they want to change to name of my boards. MY boards. fuckers. it pains me to know that we’re so easy to be victims to our own disease. that veronica will just be another number, another candle on the something fishy site.

i constantly feel selfish – constantly. i talked about veronicas death at AB tonight and how she died out of vain. how i feel just like her. and kelly talked – usually closed off personality and cried. i cried too. there was a moment of silence we observed as well. i just dont do death. its too much. its so intense when someone dies from their ed.

Oct 29, 2002

i think i want to go to chicago. change or running? running from what though. am i really running or just knowing my limits. i love the hunger i am feeling right now. i have missed it so much.
i restricted at lunch again today. i just feel that i am absolutely huge. i feel so awful about myself and i am so consumed in my ed that i fear losing myself without it. that all the chaos here has been wrecking havoc and i respond by resorting to ed behaviors. it is safer that way and that i feel unsafe here.

laura did her first step today in group. it really upset me. she was just talking about food and how she used it and abused it and all the methods and how/where she puked and i got severely triggered. if she got away with it and had no medical problems i am sure i can too. i just want to cry. all those food i used to binge on, all that and if i want to go into recovery i cannot allow myself those foods anymore and it pisses me off that she gets all those cd foods and desserts and i dont. all i have been doing is restricting and it feels so fucking good. it seems like everyday something sets me off and that i just dont have teh s trength to make it through. i also feel that i dont deserve to even eat at my regular table anymore because i dont want to be a bad influence on the other patients that sit there with me. patients that are struggling. i really wanted to go to her first step because i really admire laura. and i hate that i am so selfish that i couldnt get out of my own head space long enough to be there to support her. i feel like a selfish self-absorbed bitch. i see all the skinny girls and all i see is what i failed at, my weight less. i see and realize that my clothes are baggier but i cannot see the numbers here which gets me under my (ocd) skin. its hard to tell myself that i am allowed food. i feel liek hearing all that stuff is forbidden, it was like at work whe ni ate “through” the customers. and thats what was happening when laura was taking.

it is dinner now. god i am stuffed. i am drinking two lemonaides before eating and two during to fill me up faster. not sure of my score though. gonna refuse again. so cheryl and paige came to ab late tonight and had me severely worried. she got here about 7.30. i ended up talking to her at length till about 8.15. another patient ended up talking to cheryl at length about silouette and going there. how great — paige’s program is and hwo wonderful its working for her. paige told kate the cost ($12,000/month) and kate said, “let me call up my parents, i’ll be there next week.” in not so many words. at that point i just start crying in paige’s arms because i was so insanely jealous of that. that kate has parents for one that care and two that have access to that level of money makes me sick to my stomach. i feel so selfish for feeling that way yet it is what it is. i am happy for kate because no one deserves this level of unhappiness. so i have three weeks here and its coming to an end. i feel so fat. i am fat. kates gratitude tonight was to cheryl and her affirmation was that god will lead her where she needs to be. thanks, i got that hint. and reminder that i have no money. and that its all my fault that i got myself into this mess. if i got myself into this what right do i have to be jealous? what right do i have to even judge? its not kates fault that i am a selfish slob. i wish i could be truly happy for her but instead i choose to outlet that energy on jealousy.

Oct 28, 2002

so i did confront her and it didnt go well at all. she rationalized her use with the notion that “ed’d” people use sugar and pepper (and spices) as their drug. it pissed me off massively because that may be a reason but its not an excuse. bleh. it really upset me also when valeria asked ally to give me feedback and she didnt respond. silence.

ally is leaving “a.m.a.”, she wanted to recant but dr. lado wouldn’t let her. dr. lado’s session was good actually. talked to him about jen and kelly’s fight. not sure how to react to anything. ally is leaving but she is being kicked out.

now its dinner , the day goes by so fast. its odd. i am jealous of the low bmi’s. i finished most of my dinner. i cannot stomach it. i cannot handle it. i want so bloody bad to puke more than anything. i can feel it now. the automatic reflux of food. its all i know. people are talking about low weight and celebrities and its bothering me but i am too much of a wimp to speak up. its so childish. i fucking swear i should just swallow it. haha. i want to cry. i hate this full feeling. i feel so disgusting. i promised myself one meal that id do well at and all, and i did it, but not again. i want to vomit. this is awful. i feel immune. i wish i was.

valeria wants me to do better at meals. how can i? not if this is how i feel. cant say i didnt try. all i want to do is restrict and get smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller. i hope badly that i didnt gain weight and i am also thankful that i am not weighed daily. but its such an intense number gain. im in a mind fuck.

tonight, in step 3 we talked about willingness. willingness to help yourself, to surrender, to try.

i dont know what to do when i am discharged. go back to macon. i am so fucking confused. do i withdraw from school? what to do about my car. i havent been completely honest about everything yet. i want to make the best decision but i know that i’ll crumble and fall back to my old routine if i return to my dorm. i will fall back into my old routine predictably. without a doubt. coffee, ciggies, laxies and gummies. safety. i am not sure how ready i am to get better. how ready i am to surrender. what exactly am i surrendering to? i am so afraid of going back to georgia and only reporting back anad and dissapointing them, and edin. that stems from failure. back home i have to return to my website, the emails, the havoc.

starve. thats what i want. i miss the hunger pains. i want to die and give up. it is so much safer that way.

at snack, i got it wrong. it is a sign. i wasnt meat to eat. its a sign telling me i am fat. it is disgusting. i wrote it on my bag a few nights ago, i told nancy and its wrong. thats a sign. grrr. i want to cry. it is so frustrating when i try to do things right and they go wrong. i am about to cry. again, allow me to say, fuck!

Oct 27, 2002

its been a day. having fierce side effects from the topomax they put me on. my legs/feet tingle and are numb insanely bad. so much it stings and hurts. cant sit still to well because of it. hell. i cant sit with myself at all with or without the topomaxx. so my legs hurt and i have withdrawal headaches. page and eddy are coming today. they were suppose to be here about thirty minutes ago. i am sure they’ll be here soon. i love paige so much i am so eager to see her.

it was so so amazing to see paige! i love her to death. she gave me a strawberry shortcake watch and some pictures of her to cherish and of keenan. we did dinner together. it was hard but well worth it. she so amazing and it was so rewarding to put a face to eddys name. hes fabulous. i am having a severely hard time with keeping my head where my body is. i am trying so hard to focus on the now but all i see or am able to to focus on is what will happen when i leave. i have so so so many hesitations about everything when i leave. school, work, life. my car. i am such a massive lazy shit. i feel so pathetic. i have two more weeks here and all i can think about are the two weeks after, not the present. its so frustrating. i am not even sure what to do with everything i feel or how to process it. i dont think two weeks are going to be long enough. hell, two years in treatment maybe. on a different subject – i told on ally tonight for using valium at an outside na meeting. it took me five hours to do so. but i did. during metabolics. i talked to debbie (nurse) and how she even asked someone from the cd side how long it takes to get it out of your system. i feel like such a rat, but also incredible unsafe. i feel that she gets away with so so much and it bothers me. i mean if shes getting drugs, has drugs is she getting them from cd? i think that is a total invalidation of my safety and personal boundaries. i am glad i told in that fact. i dont want to enable her either. i also dont want to jeopordize the recovery of anyone on unit as some are dual tracking. it was also hard today because i was triggered by a tech on unit. she was saying how great i look and how my scrubs are lose on me. asked me how i did it and how she just wishes she could do that. just reinforcing all that shit in my head. that i am not worthy unless i am thin. which i am ridiculous fat now. its obvious. i feel like i have to restrict to prove a point.

Oct 26, 2002

i talked to bonnie and kathleen today about the fight last night. the fight was between kelly and jen, a confrontation at a snack at the common table while i was sitting there doing a puzzle. i skipped family dynamics to do so. i also talked to kathleen about ally and how i dont feel shes utilizing treatment at all. it really hurts that she is skipping in and out of groups and i am sure her docs are noticing since shes still on level zero without gentle walks. but its still really frustrating with jen and kelly who fought yesterday. i hope it gets resolved soon.

i am having a really hard time justifying food right now. it has been a really hard day and i just want to cry. i dont feel that i deserve any sort of anything. any strength, any help, any food. i am not underweight. fuck. i just want to scream. who the hell cares that i lost all that weight. no one sees all my pain, no one notices. i have a problem. no one even cares. i am a selfish bitch. id rather not consume food because that means i am giving myself permission to live and most days, i dont actively want to live. i want to hide, hide in my shell. my protection. no one really gives me my ensure so that must mean i am not sick enough. god knows i am not thin enough. i feel like such a fat ass. lazy slob. i hurt so bad internally that i can only supposedly justify the notion that its not ‘about weight’ but thats such a massive joke. it is. its a huge numbers game. just a few more lower, safer. at peace, within myself. i cannot say how angered i am at food. it completely digusts me how i wish it were completely unncessary. how i wish it were like alcohol and all i had to do was go through detox and withdrawal and avoid liquor stores. how i could avoid walking down an aisle instead of an entire grocery store.

Oct 24, 2002

goals for tomorrow: talk to nancy (dietician) regarding squash and cabbage, potato salad and cole slaw.

some things are easier said than done. first thigns first, food. i am so excited to see paige. i cant wait and just wish i could just fast forward time. shes coming here to go to eddys program. i love her to death. i dont anticipate any visitors but hers this weekend. i dont know anyone here anyway. theres bee na lot of commotion on ward. yesterday juliann (another patient) was really sick which stirred things up.

Oct 23, 2002

god i feel like a fat fuck! i cannot tolerate all this bullshit inside of me. ensure almost seems like a better option . easier to stomach, easier to tolerate.

Oct 22, 2002

i am exhausted. the new pills are kicking my ass. i kept falling aleep during groups and other various shit. not that i find any of it remotely important.

Oct 21, 2002

October 21, 2002
i woke up before anyone came in for the wakeup call. i did eventually fall asleep last night (obviously) after some good exercises (wall presses, sit ups, leg lifts). i fell asleep with my bio book and the lights on for safety. this morning i got weighed, and of course, i could not see. and there are larger people than me here, but i am convicned when i get out, i can/will get into my goal weight. a far cry from 77, but much closer than it has been. i feel so disgustingly fat compared to the anorexics on ward. the jeans i am wearing today do not help matters much. i want to hold back. i want to be sick. but i realize that if i want to live, i cannot. huge power struggle. who am i to live if i cannot/do not want to live with myself?
i ate breakfast, or shall i say, attended? i had 3/4 serving of cheerios, dry from the individual size box. i also got eggs but i just played with them.

dinner is over. but at lunch there was a situation with another patient (cheri) who got upset at me because i did not eat much at all and bruce (a mht) was sitting in front of me. later, after dinner, she addressed my behavior with the nurses yelling pretty loudly. she was also yelling at lunch. which only further upset me i am so sensitive to noise. it really upsets me and takes me back to the fighting between my parents. i know it is my recovery and that i am in charge of it – right? so i got real upset and internalized it. ever since it has been flashbacks galore. mom/dad screaming. shouting. hurting. crying. i realize we must all keep focus on our own recovery but isnt there limitations in regards to respecting each others boundaries.

i got a new roommate now. her name is beth and shes 37. she bulimic. i am going to have a hard time with her presence because i wont be able to exercise at night now. gotta ask her about lights out. i did, and she needs to lights on. which i cannot do. it is so scary, not knowing what could get you in that pitch black. i talked to christine (nurse) and she moved her. but now i feel like a massive inconvience. i cannot stand bother people and i probably should not have even asked.

i feel so digustingly huge right now. like my fat is just pretruding from my body. i have such a massive self hate at this point that i really just want to die. go to my car, and down some pretty pills, pretty pink ones. again i knwo that is what got me here, however, with my severe lack of a comfort zone. i am really craving them. i also refused my colace today. not sure why completely but a lot of it has to do with my stubborness.

Oct 20, 2002

I woke up at 6.27am to the ringing of Stacy’s cell phone alarm clock. I dreaded waking up today solely because of all the implied fears that go with my first day at the Willough. I am also on a scholarship, which to me, means more worries about doing it correctly (recovery) this time. No fail. I hate those implications because that means I am going to have to put just as much energy into this treatment that i put into everything else that becomes a “black and white” struggle. I almost feel as though i have used all my “do not pass go” cards. so i dragged my butt anyway all 550 miles down to naples, florida. in all breath taking hopes that i won’t fuck it up again. with school, with treatment, with friends, with life. god knows, i have fucked things up enough. i made it however. put my civic in cruise control and busted up on i-75. too bad stacey threw away all my pills. i am so used to them that i just felt like crashing (and falling asleep). it took ten hours to here! however, it must be noted that i did stop everywhere to rest/great fresh air because i was exhausted from lack of the regularly scheduled pills. when i made it to willough at about 5.30p i had my intake with velma. she was nice, spanish and likes desserts. i am sure she has children. you could almost tell because she wasn’t really taken back by my lack of enthusiasm. nothing got too interesting for awhile. kathleen (an mht) looked through my stuff on the ward and started to ask all those “weird” questions like… so… what ed do you have? she found two packs of extra gum. she had to throw them out. no worries, doesn’t much effect my remaining 30ish in my car. it wasn’t until i had my intake with the nurse here that got me worked up. the nurse is christine. she weighed me and let me see it. bad but much improvement from what i was yesterday. my intake wasnt fully completed until it was time for night snack (called metabolics). because of seeing that number, i could not justify eating at snack. i almost felt yelled at for it. no, i iddnt tell anyone what happened. so i am sure i have no right to bitch. i am severely scared for breakfast tomorrow because i havent spoken to the nutritionist yet and its begging me. if anything touches anything, its all over due to contamination. the fears are really bugging me. the floor is insanely quiet. everyone is asleep. i still have not given them the required pee test or taken my prescribed sleep pills. i am so wound up that it feels like i have a novel to write. no so, i know. i wont get to see my weight anymore. just more motivation to lose it when i leave. i havent eaten since yesterday at 2p. now i have to screw everything up. do i really want this? i admit, the adrenaline is much better when the numbers go down, versus up.