i wish i was so much thinner than i am. i actually am. kate is going to silouette for real now i guess. on sunday or monday. i remain to be intensely jealous. is that so wrong?
its funny how this amazing thing happens. i am so insanely jealous of this girl here (kate) yet i love her to death. i cant stand that she gets to go to silouette because 1. she gets to spend time with my paigey and 2. she gets to go. i am pissed because i am jealous.

i know this and i keep writing this word over and over because i worry about my level of selfishness. i want so bad to go to paigeys program because it sounds so good. so effective. perhaps because i dont understand how three weeks against 12 years is effective. i am already so defiant that it takes a lot to knock down my wall, the wall i sheild myelf to the world with. it is self protection. i am jealous perhaps because paigey and kate have a change and i feel that i dont. primarily because recovery walks where money talks. i want so bad to get better but the negative self talk is intense. i am also probably stupid i feel this way and i am sure its completely irrantional. i am writing this during ab right now and i just got a glare from ahauna right now because of it. do i even deserve recovery? do i deserve the second chance? hell, where does this notion of undeserving come from?

today i went out to my car and got my gum!

today in group with valeria in the afternoon a new member, carolyn, mentioned her sexual abuse growing up and it hurt so badly to see her cry. so so bad. it also scared me because i dont want to be her age (in the 50’s) and how much of an impact that had in her life and to the incredible extent that it did so. will i be that old and in that much pain? i am scared to know that the outcome of that is held in my own hands, in my own choices.