i wish i wasn’t leaving on sunday, i know i am not ready.
thalia and our group went to the grocery store today. it was really hard for me. knowing i leave on sunday makes it hard. knowing my release date and being fully aware of where the grocery store is located.

dinner. i had dessert! holy crap. but now… i feel like i am going to puke. puke it all up involuntarily. that would be fun and needed. needed. i wish i oculd and wish i would but i know it is not fait to my “potential” recovery. i almost hate using “”’s there. but i almost feel that i need to because i am still refluxing right now.

so i am moving to chicago. this is really overwhelming. i am not sure if i should withdraw now or later. call now or wait until i get there. who knows. maybe i should wait until i get there? maybe i should talk in group tomorrow.

i constantly say how long and weird its been here. i can’t say its been an enjoyable two weeks. of course it hasnt been miserable either. i have a lot of regrets. one is not fully utilizing the program here. too late. talked to valeria and she didn’t seem to make too much of my ‘lack of communication.’ which hurt. it also hurt that she didnt validate me. but i didnt speak up so i guess i am the only one to blame.

i want to be able to remember everyone here. i want to write about it. memories are precious. and we lose too many of them. so i am determined to record it all.

i am really angry with tanya and jolie right now and haven’t thought about it since i have been here. i am angry that they made assumptions about my wants and desires. i am pissed off that they didn’t consent with me. that they dont understand how lonely, crippling and selfish eating disorders are, when they have one themselves. how the inability to forgive is like second nature to them, next to their inability to understand. i feel used for my members on my board. it will always be my board first no matter what name they change it too. i dont know who is more selfish now. they are contradictions and claim that i am a selfish bitch. they’ve never met me. they dont know my soul. nor, am i going to let them. i refuse to let this bother me as much as i would have. if they are not willing to accept me, my craziness, my faults, and my mistakes, they are not worth my time.