i am having a hard day. i am not exactly sure why. i leave in four days. holy crap. it went by slowly fast. i can’t believe it. i mean, what progress did i make? did i even make any? i don’t think so aside from the eating. but i haven’t dealt with anything – not one of the underlying issues yet. i mean, i read them in my first step. the facts as dissociated as i could get from them.
now i have a snack at 3pm. i am nervous and having a hard time eating it. that brings me up to eating five times a day. i am having reflux. i should talk to the doc about it. i just saw the doctor and she asked how i was doing. i said ok but still low blood pressure. i wish there was something that could be done for it. i hate spending all morning feeling like crap and being dizzy. i hate sleeping through the morning… wait, i dont actually mind that.

i am constantly feeling “less than” a lot of patients here. everyone at my table has a history of anorexia. they’re all little and i am grossly huge. i am a pig. i disgust myself in all honesty.

thalia runs an aftercare group today. its at 3 instead of 3.30. and today is my first 3p snack and i have a really hard time eating in front of people. especially a crowd. i feel so selfish asking and needing of food and rather undeserving of it. i dont think i am going to see valeria today, or even tomorrow since she’s going to be absent on friday. i feel too fat to warrant a snack.

its dinner time. i hate how full i feel. dr. lado still hasnt’ seen me, but said that he wants to see me after dinner. need to talk to him about the reflux. now at the table theyre talking about valentina and how beautiful she is and how she should be a model. makes me feel like crap and i know it.

katelyn has dessert and i wish in a lot of ways i could have some. but i know that i’ll just binge or want to if i had cookies. i fear food, i fear the nourishment. i gotta get my energy back up if i am going to go to the grocery store tomorrow. if only i had a body like valentinas. my life would be complete or so i think or would like to think. there will never be thin enough, or maybe there is. i just want to be dead.