paige came to ab tonight. it was fabulous. she talked about jaimes death and how precious each of our lives are. she talked about the tragedy with such brilliance. i cant even imagine. i know i just lost a friend to her ed but it all pales in comparison. i also ready my first step today – sick and all. it wasnt as big of a deal as people made it out to be. maybe i wasn’t as honest as i needed to be? hard to say. and i doubt i’ll ever know. i slept through the whole day aside from that and the ab meeting. my electrolytes are off meaning that i am dizzy and very low energy. also orthostatic blood pressure so i get the little black dots twinkling when i stand up.
i am now at the step meeting. the topic is gratitude (and its difference in relation to being thankful). i was thinking that i am grateful to my parents for giving me life but thankful to my friends for introducing life to me.

paige and i were writing notes back and forth during ab and she was saying how her treatment teams wants to put her in the hospital because they think she’s malnourished. i worry about her. i love her.

back to now… danielle and her damn god talk. “gods construction for a sound mind?” ha. i dont know god nor do i have any desire to at the moment. god doesn’t want to know me, but i need to know god. i dont understand.

kelly speaks and shit comes out of her mouth. at ab it was about all the competition (thinner, spoiled, tubed) than everyone else. now, gratuity to her mother. yea, i am jealous. why shouldn’t i be? i wish she’d just shut up. i love her too. i am a contradiction.

back to gratuity. i am thankful for a lot. i am grateful for a lot. but the caliber is different. i am angry, frustrated that i dont have parental support. i hate that i can’t be grateful for it. that the one person i am grateful for above all else is myself because i am the only one i have to live for. i have to be accountable each day. i am my own higher power. i need to learn how to validate myself after years of being so sick.