i went to visit paige today. it was an absolute blessing to be able to see her. yet it was so so so hard to see where she’s at and not be able to be there for her, or with her. i ached to see how lovely the facility is. i was jealous, again. i feel maybe it is just anger because i cant go there. it hurts me that two of my friends are going there and that they have the hope that so many of us lack, crave, desire and need. i know a lot of people are on my side and i will be eternally grateful. so i am conflicted. i dont know what energy to put into. where to direct it, what outlet to plug it into. i already see myself relapsing. i am setting myself up for failure. i told paige that i am willing (and ready) to go back to my boards,my site. iwas dissapointed i knowing this and ashamed in the knowledge that i know this. i want to scream at this and the fact i wish it werent.