group was hard today. carolyn talked about her massive amount of abuse. than carol talked about her struggles. it was hard to hear. but hopefully it validates my pain a little bit more. it is so difficult to hear people’s struggles and i wish i could take their pain away.
apparently juliann may be going to silouette also. her psychiatrist brought it up with her. i am so insanely jealous (again). kate even asked if i could go there. what a joke. i am at cooking now. i feel like puking all the talk about food. all the foods. my mind is racing with numbers: calories, fat, grams, vitamins… numbers. it isnt what i want to be doing right now. another hour of this. words: flesh, fish, marinate, spice, ginger, salt, msg, recipes. digusting. thank you for making me feel like a fatter fuck. in the background tim is playing ping pong and all i am doing to absorb my mental energy is counting the ball hit against the board. back and forth. forth and back. apparently ginger helps with memory and circulation of the blood. i do not want to try these damn spices either.

its dinner time and i didnt eat much but i feel like i am going to puke. i wish i could.

i have been so disconnected lately from everything. withdrawn and isolated. it is almost like i cant stand to be within myself. now shauna is talking about the ‘great power of prayer’ and how moses fell on his knees. i hate ‘god talk’ and its a trigger for me. an old therapist believed that i was molested in a church environment. so i can see why. there is no greater power than my ed. i cant hear, touch, see or feel god so i am just really jaded and i just want to bleep out all the god talk.

now its time for the ab meeting. its massive in number of people, now 15. all i ever do is journal which is good i know but i am sure frustrating for the other patients. i am getting wicked nervous over discharge. and that only wants to make me cry/cut/binge/puke/starve. the possibility of withdrawing from school is a real one. school is a passion of mine. i love learning and i hate the thought of being uneducated.