Nov 09, 2002

we are being forced to go to group that i dont want to go to. both sides will be there. i hate being with the other group.
i am already freaking over leaving for no particular reason. there are so many uncertanities. i dont know why i feel the way that i do often.

jen’s neice is here right now. i am coloring with her and gave her my coloring book.

i had my coining tonight. when you get a 30 day coin everyone said such wonderful things. things too hard to believe. i have such low self esteem that i am not sure i will ever be able to hear it all out. full hear it. tim’s coing speech was something about ice cream and how i am like a child that ice cream truck. so full of life. so many people said so many wonderful things. its hard to beleive them all. comprehend them. hear them. will things fall completely into place like i demand? i tried to listen, make eye contact but it was all too much i had a glazed over stare.

i wish i could starve like all the superskinnies here. instead i choose the fat disease and i am fat. i disgust myself and i am ashamed. can i really live on a meal plan? can i? i already find myself in binging behavior. taking extras, fixing my meal card to say what i want it to.

i am so scared to go back to my website. so fucking scared. i dont want the stress but i need to be there for others. there’s so many people depending on me. i want to be responsible.

Nov 08, 2002

today two therapists are not here for group in the am. makes for a boring day until dinner. i did nothing. not a single thing. its nearly depressing, however, i got cleared from the finance department. how’s that for progress?
i also didnt stand up to dr. lado. i am a wimp. i may not feel ready to go but he’ll never know why.

sitting around at metabolics just sitting and chillin laughing. i will miss this place. i wonder if my hestitations was based on my fear of leaving or the fear of myself and potential relapse. uncanny how scary it is.

Nov 07, 2002

i wish i wasn’t leaving on sunday, i know i am not ready.
thalia and our group went to the grocery store today. it was really hard for me. knowing i leave on sunday makes it hard. knowing my release date and being fully aware of where the grocery store is located.

dinner. i had dessert! holy crap. but now… i feel like i am going to puke. puke it all up involuntarily. that would be fun and needed. needed. i wish i oculd and wish i would but i know it is not fait to my “potential” recovery. i almost hate using “”’s there. but i almost feel that i need to because i am still refluxing right now.

so i am moving to chicago. this is really overwhelming. i am not sure if i should withdraw now or later. call now or wait until i get there. who knows. maybe i should wait until i get there? maybe i should talk in group tomorrow.

i constantly say how long and weird its been here. i can’t say its been an enjoyable two weeks. of course it hasnt been miserable either. i have a lot of regrets. one is not fully utilizing the program here. too late. talked to valeria and she didn’t seem to make too much of my ‘lack of communication.’ which hurt. it also hurt that she didnt validate me. but i didnt speak up so i guess i am the only one to blame.

i want to be able to remember everyone here. i want to write about it. memories are precious. and we lose too many of them. so i am determined to record it all.

i am really angry with tanya and jolie right now and haven’t thought about it since i have been here. i am angry that they made assumptions about my wants and desires. i am pissed off that they didn’t consent with me. that they dont understand how lonely, crippling and selfish eating disorders are, when they have one themselves. how the inability to forgive is like second nature to them, next to their inability to understand. i feel used for my members on my board. it will always be my board first no matter what name they change it too. i dont know who is more selfish now. they are contradictions and claim that i am a selfish bitch. they’ve never met me. they dont know my soul. nor, am i going to let them. i refuse to let this bother me as much as i would have. if they are not willing to accept me, my craziness, my faults, and my mistakes, they are not worth my time.

Nov 06, 2002

i am having a hard day. i am not exactly sure why. i leave in four days. holy crap. it went by slowly fast. i can’t believe it. i mean, what progress did i make? did i even make any? i don’t think so aside from the eating. but i haven’t dealt with anything – not one of the underlying issues yet. i mean, i read them in my first step. the facts as dissociated as i could get from them.
now i have a snack at 3pm. i am nervous and having a hard time eating it. that brings me up to eating five times a day. i am having reflux. i should talk to the doc about it. i just saw the doctor and she asked how i was doing. i said ok but still low blood pressure. i wish there was something that could be done for it. i hate spending all morning feeling like crap and being dizzy. i hate sleeping through the morning… wait, i dont actually mind that.

i am constantly feeling “less than” a lot of patients here. everyone at my table has a history of anorexia. they’re all little and i am grossly huge. i am a pig. i disgust myself in all honesty.

thalia runs an aftercare group today. its at 3 instead of 3.30. and today is my first 3p snack and i have a really hard time eating in front of people. especially a crowd. i feel so selfish asking and needing of food and rather undeserving of it. i dont think i am going to see valeria today, or even tomorrow since she’s going to be absent on friday. i feel too fat to warrant a snack.

its dinner time. i hate how full i feel. dr. lado still hasnt’ seen me, but said that he wants to see me after dinner. need to talk to him about the reflux. now at the table theyre talking about valentina and how beautiful she is and how she should be a model. makes me feel like crap and i know it.

katelyn has dessert and i wish in a lot of ways i could have some. but i know that i’ll just binge or want to if i had cookies. i fear food, i fear the nourishment. i gotta get my energy back up if i am going to go to the grocery store tomorrow. if only i had a body like valentinas. my life would be complete or so i think or would like to think. there will never be thin enough, or maybe there is. i just want to be dead.

Nov 05, 2002

paige came to ab tonight. it was fabulous. she talked about jaimes death and how precious each of our lives are. she talked about the tragedy with such brilliance. i cant even imagine. i know i just lost a friend to her ed but it all pales in comparison. i also ready my first step today – sick and all. it wasnt as big of a deal as people made it out to be. maybe i wasn’t as honest as i needed to be? hard to say. and i doubt i’ll ever know. i slept through the whole day aside from that and the ab meeting. my electrolytes are off meaning that i am dizzy and very low energy. also orthostatic blood pressure so i get the little black dots twinkling when i stand up.
i am now at the step meeting. the topic is gratitude (and its difference in relation to being thankful). i was thinking that i am grateful to my parents for giving me life but thankful to my friends for introducing life to me.

paige and i were writing notes back and forth during ab and she was saying how her treatment teams wants to put her in the hospital because they think she’s malnourished. i worry about her. i love her.

back to now… danielle and her damn god talk. “gods construction for a sound mind?” ha. i dont know god nor do i have any desire to at the moment. god doesn’t want to know me, but i need to know god. i dont understand.

kelly speaks and shit comes out of her mouth. at ab it was about all the competition (thinner, spoiled, tubed) than everyone else. now, gratuity to her mother. yea, i am jealous. why shouldn’t i be? i wish she’d just shut up. i love her too. i am a contradiction.

back to gratuity. i am thankful for a lot. i am grateful for a lot. but the caliber is different. i am angry, frustrated that i dont have parental support. i hate that i can’t be grateful for it. that the one person i am grateful for above all else is myself because i am the only one i have to live for. i have to be accountable each day. i am my own higher power. i need to learn how to validate myself after years of being so sick.

Nov 04, 2002

i haven’t seen nancy today so no reporting of my goals. in groups we were going around sharing and by the time it got to me, i said i didn’t want to speak for just one minute. than she wanted me to have individual with me today but i couldn’t because i wanted to work on my first step. it was nice to stand up to her and be assertive. another assertive moment was today at lunch when juliann stood up to one of her doctors who wanted to pull her from lunch. we all supported her in standing up to him and being assertive. or when dr. lado said i couldn’t handle the neurontin – but i said it wasn’t me, it was my blood pressure.
kate left today and its hard knowing she’s over ther with paige and i am not. also went to the grocery store, i felt like a third wheel since i was the only one who had been there before in the group. i also had dr. lado and aside from the blood pressure comment he made it sound like letting go was a lot like dropping a sock on the floor. i also felt belittled, like my pain was nothing. its a big deal to me.

its been a crazy day. i hate being so lack of energy. it was a boring day overall. got lots of postal letters today – about eight. i am doing better at meals but only if they’re really simple. peanut butter is an easy fat because it doesn’t crunch, not oily like most and its easy to swallow. but i feel myself already slipping and i’m not even out yet.

Nov 03, 2002

i just ate and want to cry. i cant stand the way my stomach feels. in the beginning of peanut butter (#1) i already felt as though i was going to puke – involuntarily. what the hell is that? i am really getting to the point that i hate food. it disgusts me.
it has been a hard day. not too willingly either. kate had her coining today. i said “the attention you are looking for isnt always where you look for it.” and “recovery is a lot like searching for your car keys, you dont find them until you stop looking. thus, recovery often comes when you stop hunting for the notion of the word and start following the grace of it.” i talked to paige als, it’s been hard to hear kate talk about silouette and not be able to go there.

i got off of my neurontin due to severely low blood pressure (80/68) and it making me feel like i am going to pass out.

why do i always write in my journal during ab? perhaps because my mind is most jogged right now of memories and livelihood and wrecklessness.

i am sitting at metabolics and i am in intense pain in the usual area on my right side near my hip., it kills and i want to be a fucking baby and cry over it.

Nov 02, 2002

i went to visit paige today. it was an absolute blessing to be able to see her. yet it was so so so hard to see where she’s at and not be able to be there for her, or with her. i ached to see how lovely the facility is. i was jealous, again. i feel maybe it is just anger because i cant go there. it hurts me that two of my friends are going there and that they have the hope that so many of us lack, crave, desire and need. i know a lot of people are on my side and i will be eternally grateful. so i am conflicted. i dont know what energy to put into. where to direct it, what outlet to plug it into. i already see myself relapsing. i am setting myself up for failure. i told paige that i am willing (and ready) to go back to my boards,my site. iwas dissapointed i knowing this and ashamed in the knowledge that i know this. i want to scream at this and the fact i wish it werent.

Nov 01, 2002

group was hard today. carolyn talked about her massive amount of abuse. than carol talked about her struggles. it was hard to hear. but hopefully it validates my pain a little bit more. it is so difficult to hear people’s struggles and i wish i could take their pain away.
apparently juliann may be going to silouette also. her psychiatrist brought it up with her. i am so insanely jealous (again). kate even asked if i could go there. what a joke. i am at cooking now. i feel like puking all the talk about food. all the foods. my mind is racing with numbers: calories, fat, grams, vitamins… numbers. it isnt what i want to be doing right now. another hour of this. words: flesh, fish, marinate, spice, ginger, salt, msg, recipes. digusting. thank you for making me feel like a fatter fuck. in the background tim is playing ping pong and all i am doing to absorb my mental energy is counting the ball hit against the board. back and forth. forth and back. apparently ginger helps with memory and circulation of the blood. i do not want to try these damn spices either.

its dinner time and i didnt eat much but i feel like i am going to puke. i wish i could.

i have been so disconnected lately from everything. withdrawn and isolated. it is almost like i cant stand to be within myself. now shauna is talking about the ‘great power of prayer’ and how moses fell on his knees. i hate ‘god talk’ and its a trigger for me. an old therapist believed that i was molested in a church environment. so i can see why. there is no greater power than my ed. i cant hear, touch, see or feel god so i am just really jaded and i just want to bleep out all the god talk.

now its time for the ab meeting. its massive in number of people, now 15. all i ever do is journal which is good i know but i am sure frustrating for the other patients. i am getting wicked nervous over discharge. and that only wants to make me cry/cut/binge/puke/starve. the possibility of withdrawing from school is a real one. school is a passion of mine. i love learning and i hate the thought of being uneducated.

Oct 31, 2002

i wish i was so much thinner than i am. i actually am. kate is going to silouette for real now i guess. on sunday or monday. i remain to be intensely jealous. is that so wrong?
its funny how this amazing thing happens. i am so insanely jealous of this girl here (kate) yet i love her to death. i cant stand that she gets to go to silouette because 1. she gets to spend time with my paigey and 2. she gets to go. i am pissed because i am jealous.

i know this and i keep writing this word over and over because i worry about my level of selfishness. i want so bad to go to paigeys program because it sounds so good. so effective. perhaps because i dont understand how three weeks against 12 years is effective. i am already so defiant that it takes a lot to knock down my wall, the wall i sheild myelf to the world with. it is self protection. i am jealous perhaps because paigey and kate have a change and i feel that i dont. primarily because recovery walks where money talks. i want so bad to get better but the negative self talk is intense. i am also probably stupid i feel this way and i am sure its completely irrantional. i am writing this during ab right now and i just got a glare from ahauna right now because of it. do i even deserve recovery? do i deserve the second chance? hell, where does this notion of undeserving come from?

today i went out to my car and got my gum!

today in group with valeria in the afternoon a new member, carolyn, mentioned her sexual abuse growing up and it hurt so badly to see her cry. so so bad. it also scared me because i dont want to be her age (in the 50’s) and how much of an impact that had in her life and to the incredible extent that it did so. will i be that old and in that much pain? i am scared to know that the outcome of that is held in my own hands, in my own choices.